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A Touch of Humor:
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No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. |
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When your Mom is mad at your Dad, DO NOT let her brush your hair. |
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If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. |
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You can't trust a dog to watch your food. |
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Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac. |
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Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. |
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You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. |
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Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. |
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Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts. |
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Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. |
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Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. |
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If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. |
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Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground. |
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My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. |
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One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. |
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God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things - right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. |
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You become Santa Claus.
You start to look like Santa Claus.
I hope that this puts a smile on your face! Send this to anyone who can envision Jell-O sticking to a tree.
Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey
Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan
Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane
Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy
Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan
Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
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Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"? |
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Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? |
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Why is a boxing ring square? |
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Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it? |
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Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? |
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Why is what doctors do called "practice"? |
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Why is it rain drops, but snow falls? |
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? |
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Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? |
![]() | "It's a dead-cat bounce": Believe me, there is no justification for this rally. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
![]() | "The market is in a narrow trading range": Prices aren't
jumping around as much as usual, and nobody can figure out why.
![]() "Bonds retreated on bearish comments from the Fed": Once
again, nobody understood what Alan Greenspan said. But why else could bonds
have fallen?
| ![]() "We're near-term cautious but long-term optimistic":
Don't blame us if the market tanks.
| ![]() "The stock market was down on technical factors": We have
no idea why shares fell.
| ![]() "The market fell on heavy selling by mutual funds": We
still have no idea why the market fell. But everybody knows small investors
are stupid, right?
| ![]() "The trend is your friend": Stocks have been going up.
| ![]() "Trees don't grow to the sky": Stocks stopped going up.
| ![]() "The market is looking a little extended": We're dumping
everything.
| ![]() "Don't miss this compelling opportunity": I need the
commission.
| ![]() "The market climbs a wall of worry": Sure, it is tough to
be blasé about rising oil prices, climbing interest rates and Middle East
tensions. But I really, really need the commission.
| ![]() "It isn't a loss until you sell it": You took a bath in
the stock, but let's ignore it, and maybe it will go away.
| ![]() "Focus on total return": Please, please, please don't
notice the fund's outrageously high expenses.
| ![]() "It's cheap on a relative basis": It is pretty darn
expensive, but other folks own stuff that is even more ridiculously priced.
| ![]() "It's fairly valued": If the stock climbs a few more
bucks, we're unloading this puppy.
| ![]() "We've got some great values in our portfolio": Our
stocks have been massacred.
| ![]() "We buy growth at a reasonable price": We're holding our
noses and paying up for some pretty expensive stocks.
| ![]() "We're long-term investors": The stock tanked, but we are
hanging on, hoping to break even.
| ![]() "We think the stock is a potential buyout candidate": I
sure hope some corporate raider is reading this.
| ![]() "The stock's oversold": We never imagined the shares
could fall this far.
| ![]() "Nobody ever went broke taking profits": We bought the
stock at $16, sold it at $32, and two weeks later it hit $114.
| ![]() "The company's quarterly earnings beat expectations": The
chief financial officer sandbagged analysts.
| ![]() "We've researched this company thoroughly": Here's what
we heard from the company's vice president of investor relations.
| ![]() "We're fundamental investors": We listen to the chief
executive's sales pitch.
| ![]() "We're technical investors": We skip the sales pitch and
pull out the Ouija board.
| ![]() "We buy companies, not pieces of paper": I majored in
philosophy.
| ![]() "Our strength is evaluating corporate management": We
play a lot of golf.
| ![]() "The company has solid fundamentals": It is a shame the
shares are so absurdly overvalued.
| ![]() "It's a New Economy stock": Don't even bother asking
about earnings.
| ![]() "We rate the stock a strong buy": We need the company's
investment-banking business.
| ![]() "We consider the stock attractive long-term": The next
year is going to be rough.
| ![]() "We rate the stock a hold": For goodness sake, dump your
shares.
| ![]() "We rate it a sell": I'm hoping to get the
early-retirement package. | |
You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight-savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at
that moment.
Phrase |
Translation |
It has been long known | I haven't bothered to check the references |
It is known | I believe |
It is believed | I think |
It is generally believed | My colleagues and I think |
There has been some discussion | Nobody agrees with me |
It can be shown | Trust me |
It is proven | I remember seeing it in a book once |
Theory clearly indicates this approach | I didn't have time to do the experiment |
Of great theoretical importance | I find it interesting |
Of great practical importance | This justifies my employment |
Of great historical importance | We have always done it this way |
Statistically significant data from the randomized L5 Taguchi shows | Baffle them with you know what |
Random samples were chosen for study | The others didn't make sense |
Typical results are shown | Typically good results are shown |
Correct within order of magnitude | Wrong |
The values were obtained empirically | I took measurements until something made sense |
Neglecting this outlier . . . | I don't know why the point is that bad |
The results are inconclusive | The results seem to disprove my hypothesis |
Additional work is required | Maybe I can get this figured out yet |
It might be argued | But I would rather not |
The investigations proved rewarding | Hopefully I will remain employed a while longer |
You Might be an Engineer If...
![]() | Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. |
![]() | The salespeople at Radio Shack can't answer any of your questions. |
![]() | You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. |
![]() | You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. |
![]() | You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. |
![]() | You know what http:// stands for. |
![]() | You see a good design and still have to change it. |
![]() | You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. |
![]() | You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it. |
![]() | You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. |
![]() | Your laptop computer costs more than your car. |
![]() | Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. |
![]() | You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio. |
Updated: 11/15/2010
Copyright © 2001 thru 2013 by Theodore Lind